My name is not Nick. Everyone calls me Nick. My family does. My friends do. My partner does. My colleagues do. When I act, I'm Nick. When I write for a professor, I'm Nick. When I discuss my research with my supervisor, I'm Nick. When I am talking about everything and nothing with those closest to me, I am Nick.
But I was born Nicholas William Muzychka Gushue.
When I was born, the conclusion was reached that I was a boy. I was named Nicholas by my parents who had not connected that they were going to accidentally name their child after Santa so close to Christmas.
(For what it's worth, If I was not born male, I would have been Natalie, which makes the entire cosmic joke of this birth being a holiday special even funnier.)
I don't think I ever considered that my name could be wrong as a kid. It was just an unshakeable truth of the universe that I was Nicholas William Muzychka Gushue. True, everyone called me Nick save for those speaking formally, and truth be told, I think there was perhaps a slight discomfort in the unfamiliarity of formal language that came with being called Nicholas. I don't call this discomfort dysphoria, as it seems to me that I was uncomfortable with formality itself, my name being irrelevant save for its association with the formal.
This did not even seem a problem when, five years ago to date, I had an epiphany. It was April 1st, 2020 and the world had ended. I was isolated in a pressurized box and emotions, ideas, and perceptions I had neglected to be aware of struck me with total understanding over the course of 12 hours in the main bathroom of my childhood home, aided with wisdom from my truest and most beloved friend. I owe him my life because that day he helped me understand that I was not in fact, as everyone else including myself assumed, a boy. `
I was ...
Well, I still don't know.
Non-binary is deceptively simple. It is, simply, an umbrella term encompassing a gender identity that exists outside of the binary of male/female. I am neither male nor female. I am not both but not a nothing either. I am not a third gender.
Who I am is not dictated or decided by anyone but myself, and that is all that matters.
The trouble is (well actually there's a lot of troubles) that I myself do not know who I am and can only glean fractals of it.
Which brings me to my name. I've gone by Nick as long as I can remember. And on this journey I've gone on, I've had to consider whether this seemingly immutable part of me, "Nicholas" ought to remain so. Am I who I am because I am Nicholas or is Nicholas who I am because it happens to be the name for me? If I were to be someone else, would I change or would I remain the same, the name changing to reflect the unchanging truth that people now see?
So, since the summer, well over a year into taking hormones as part of my trans experience, I've experimented. Not just with names but with further concepts. Not just seeking the androgynous but the feminine identity as a small part of my whole. To be "She/They" and not just "They".
And I was happier. I can't explain it. I didn't have any new friends or changes to my life. I simply embraced some part of me that was created from aether. Nicole.
Nicholas is the name of blood and growth.
Nicole is the name of aether and soul.
And although Nicholas has given me a life of growth, he could not take me further. Nicholas is not a deadname, so to speak, and you will not hurt me by using it just as you couldn't hurt me by showing me an old t-shirt I've outgrown. (And believe me, I'm aware of the irony that this blog exists under the address of NicholasGushue.wixsite.com)
Nicole has given me understanding and peace, even if I did not recognize her until now.
So why am I writing this. I'm writing this because although I am, have been, and will always be Nick, unchanging and unerring, the "name" of formality and ritual has changed.
My name is Nicole Gushue and you can call me Nick.
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